When I published the blog post about spanking there was a comment on about how paradigms and views are handed down from one generation to
another. In this comment, a guy had had a debate with
someone in a coffee shop about spanking. A man participating in the debate was
pro spanking and became quite agitated through the discussion. After some time
he was so outraged that he got to his feet and almost shouting announced that
he had been spanked as a child and that it ‘hasn´t done me any harm!’
The reply to the angry fellow´s claim was just one sentence
that stuck in my mind after reading it, because it really sums it up in a clear
cut way. It went like this: ‘yeah, it did. It made you want to beat your kids...’
This is
very much true! Your parents have put a mark on you, that will always follow
you through life and this mark will influence what you do. This is not to say
that if you were spanked as a kid, it´s inevitable that you spank yours. Not at
all! The cycle can be broken, if you want to break it. I know, because
I´ve been spanked as a kid myself and for many years I said just about the same
thing as the before mentioned angry man.
What I
learned by being spanked was that if there is something you want and you can´t
get it by explaining why you need it and make a good argument for obtaining it,
there´s always the last resort of dealing out some punches.
Not a very
flattering thought, I know. Fortunately, I´ve never beat up my children and I
feel confident, it´ll never happen. But I must admit to myself, that the urge
to hit them, when they really misbehave, is there! I do feel that urge and the
worst thing I can do is to deny it. Denying it would do me no good at all.
Denying that this urge exist in me would only build it up inside of me and who
knows, what would happen then?
So, however
deflating this is to the positive image you may have of me, I
admit it freely: I sometimes feel the urge to fling out a hand on my children!
And you know what? If you have that urge yourself, try admitting it. It is one
of the most relieving feelings to admit all the bad things going on inside of
you. And even more importantly, admitting it to yourself is the first step to
fighting that urge.
And one
more thing I want you to understand is that there is absolutely nothing wrong
with you, if you have this urge! It´s perfectly natural. In fact, all the
people on this planet have thoughts about hurting someone.
It´s been said, that most people have
even thought of killing someone, though there is no way of knowing if this is true or not. What *is* true, however, is that the one thing separating perpetrators from other people
is not their urges and thoughts. It´s how they respond to them. Keep this in mind
every time you might feel guilty having the urge to hit someone: there is
nothing wrong with having the urge and thinking about it. In fact, you have to
admit the feeling to do something about it. And do something about is mandatory
when dealing with people.
So, instead of soaking yourself in self loathing, be
brave and fight that urge! It can be done! The cycle can be
broken! But it is you who must break it. No one else can do it for you!
Let´s sum
it up:
#1: The children
raising methods are handed down generation by generation and if the methods you
were raised by are bad, you need to break the cycle
#2: To
break the cycle, you have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the urge
inside you
#3: Feeling
bad about the urge to hit your kids doesn´t do anyone any good. Don´t soak
yourself in self pity, but fight the urge you´ve already acknowledged
#4: Very
important! THE CYCLE CAN BE BROKEN! You can brake it!
Strong point. Well stated.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jeff. I wasn´t sure, I wanted to share that post, because it comes very close to being too intimite. I chose to share it, because I think there is an important message here: It´s not easy fighting against what is inside of you, but it´s important to do it and it really CAN be done...
DeleteThere are so many ideas forcibly driven into our heads, in the interest of raising children the way the previous generation was raised. Respect your elders, simply because they are old; it is acceptable for the strong to bully the smaller and weaker ones, in order to force that respect; Children should be seen but not heard; always say, "Please," "thank you" and "I'm sorry" whenever commanded to regardless of whether you understand the reason for the gratitude or apology that is being demanded. My parents never once said "Please" or "thank you" to us children when I was growing up and never once did any of us receive an apology from a parent for acting out of line or saying something hurtful out of anger. My father always said he was raising us the way he was raised - it was good enough for him, so it would be good enough for us. I learned a lot about parenting from the way I was raised. I learned what not to do and made a conscious effort to break the cycle. If you want your kids to show respect, treat them with respect. If you want them to learn to say, "Please," "Thank you" and "I'm sorry" then be prepared to say those things to them whenever appropriate. Children are human beings, not second-class citizens and they feel just as we did at that age. I know some parents who can't seem to pass a single day without yelling or criticizing their kids. I try to make a point of laughing with my children every day. My parenting experience has been a great success.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mandy, for that comment. It really emphasizes what I´m trying to say here. I was raised with spanking (have some pretty funny stories about it, too!) and my parent did what they did, because that´s what they were supposed to do in those days. This is not to say, that what they did was okay. However, this is in the past and what I want to do is look forward to the future: how do I want to raise my children. So, basically, I´ve forgiven my parents a long time ago.
DeleteOne thing, though: my parents never felt too high on the horse to apologize, when they believed they´d been doing something wrong! That´s one of the most precious teaching I´ve taken with me from my childhood. My father was particularly strict and stubborn, but if he did something wrong and knew it to be wrong, he would always sit down with us and say in a very straight forward manner: 'I thought you were lying to me and I just found out, I was wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive me.'
I think that this is perhaps one of the main reasons, I´ve found it fairly easy to forgive: He did, what he thought was best and though it wasn´t always best, he didn´t do it for the wrong reasons and he was willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness...
And I believe you´re absolutely right about showing the way being the better option. Here in Denmark, we have a nick name for the plastic poles standing on each side of the road: we call them 'false prophets' because they only show the way, but they don´t walk it themselves...