A family project

Remember when I talked about the trampoline in our garden a few days ago? I was giving you some insight in some of the play things we have in our garden and I told you that they are being used by both our own kids and the kids in the neighborhood...

Now, it doesn´t look like much today. It´s been well used and of course it wears. Still, this trampoline is one of the most important play things at our place. Not only because it´s the one thing the kids use most and not only because it´s one of the favorites among the neighborhood kids. Not even the fact that it gives our children the opportunity to train their body and their balance is what makes this toy have a special places in our hearts.


No, this toy is special to us because we´ve built something together as a family. Not the trampoline in itself, it came in a package and all we needed to do was to assemble the parts and bits. But for safety reason´s we dug it down as you can see in the picture. We did this as a family. Everyone took part in it and did their part. Even our youngest, who was at the time only three years old, did his job digging it down.


This is how we did it:


My wife and I took shifts with the shovel in the hole and put the dirt in buckets, which were then placed on the ground. Two or three children at a time would then bring the buckets to our trailer cart where my wife or I would empty the buckets and the children brought the bucket back to the hole to be refilled.


Most of the time our youngest boy, knowing he wasn´t strong enough but stubborn enough to not wanting to admit it, would be in the hole with my wife or myself picking up stones in a smaller bucket and bring them to the trailer.


The project was finished after three days and since we all did our part in it, that trampoline has a special place in our hearts.

Want to smack your kids?

When I published the blog post about spanking there was a comment on about how paradigms and views are handed down from one generation to another. In this comment, a guy had had a debate with someone in a coffee shop about spanking. A man participating in the debate was pro spanking and became quite agitated through the discussion. After some time he was so outraged that he got to his feet and almost shouting announced that he had been spanked as a child and that it ‘hasn´t done me any harm!’

The reply to the angry fellow´s claim was just one sentence that stuck in my mind after reading it, because it really sums it up in a clear cut way. It went like this: ‘yeah, it did. It made you want to beat your kids...’

This is very much true! Your parents have put a mark on you, that will always follow you through life and this mark will influence what you do. This is not to say that if you were spanked as a kid, it´s inevitable that you spank yours. Not at all! The cycle can be broken, if you want to break it. I know, because I´ve been spanked as a kid myself and for many years I said just about the same thing as the before mentioned angry man.

What I learned by being spanked was that if there is something you want and you can´t get it by explaining why you need it and make a good argument for obtaining it, there´s always the last resort of dealing out some punches.

Not a very flattering thought, I know. Fortunately, I´ve never beat up my children and I feel confident, it´ll never happen. But I must admit to myself, that the urge to hit them, when they really misbehave, is there! I do feel that urge and the worst thing I can do is to deny it. Denying it would do me no good at all. Denying that this urge exist in me would only build it up inside of me and who knows, what would happen then?

So, however deflating this is to the positive image you may have of me, I admit it freely: I sometimes feel the urge to fling out a hand on my children! And you know what? If you have that urge yourself, try admitting it. It is one of the most relieving feelings to admit all the bad things going on inside of you. And even more importantly, admitting it to yourself is the first step to fighting that urge.

And one more thing I want you to understand is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, if you have this urge! It´s perfectly natural. In fact, all the people on this planet have thoughts about hurting someone. 

It´s been said, that most people have even thought of killing someone, though there is no way of knowing if this is true or not. What *is* true, however, is that the one thing separating perpetrators from other people is not their urges and thoughts. It´s how they respond to them. Keep this in mind every time you might feel guilty having the urge to hit someone: there is nothing wrong with having the urge and thinking about it. In fact, you have to admit the feeling to do something about it. And do something about is mandatory when dealing with people.

So, instead of soaking yourself in self loathing, be brave and fight that urge! It can be done! The cycle can be broken! But it is you who must break it. No one else can do it for you!

Let´s sum it up:

#1: The children raising methods are handed down generation by generation and if the methods you were raised by are bad, you need to break the cycle

#2: To break the cycle, you have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the urge inside you

#3: Feeling bad about the urge to hit your kids doesn´t do anyone any good. Don´t soak yourself in self pity, but fight the urge you´ve already acknowledged

#4: Very important! THE CYCLE CAN BE BROKEN! You can brake it!

Read me a story, dad!

- how you can improve your children´s skills and have a good time while doing it...

One of the most important things when raising children is having a relationship with them. Many parents, especially fathers, aren´t connecting with their kids enough. For many years I had this problem and in some ways I still do. The funny thing is that being a parent, there should be every reason to find connecting with your children an easy task. Opposed to many other relationships, we always have at least one thing in common with our kids: we have been children ourselves. Still it seems like quite the task to remember being a kid.

But here´s a tip: read your children a story. A story is a good way to connect with your children and frankly, it doesn´t take that much of an effort. All you have to do is find a good story and set aside the time to read it. I promise you, that you will connect with your children this way. A story has the potential of becoming alive when you read it out loud and by doing this, you and your children have something together. Reading a story is a journey for the both of you and it doesn´t even matter, if you´ve read the story yourself before or not. If you´ve read it before, you are most likely to discover new things in the story and if you choose a story you´ve read before, chances are, you chose this particular one, because you liked it when you were a kid. And if so, chances are that your kid will love it every bit as much as you do.

If you choose a story neither of you have read before, reading it becomes a new venture for you and your children. You experience it together and you connect with each other because this story is yours in the journey you take together.

And you know what? In this day and age, finding a story has never been easier! Go to Amazon, Barnes&Noble, Smashwords, iBooks or any other major retailer and buy an eBook. They are cheap and you can get the book within less than 10 minutes!

So, what´s to stop you? Lack of time? Take the time! Don´t know what to read? Anything you like or think you like! (My fairy tale ‘The Knight in Shouting’ fits well with girls who like Princesses and it´s good for building self esteem, but there are many other stories as well, if you think it´s a bit too commercial of me to suggest it)

Oh, one more thing: reading with your kids the most important advantage is connecting with them and building a relationship, but there is a neat side effect as well: reading with your kids stimulates their language and  literary skills! And downsides? There are none!

Remember this: reading a story doesn´t take much time and it´s an investment you will never regret making!

Your turn! - Share your experiences with reading stories or ask questions...

Time for a time out?

- when ‘time out’ works - and when it doesn´t

For some time I´ve been blogging about raising children. I´ve posted about spanking and about the basic principle of using force as a tool for getting the attention of your kids. Now, I want to present a way to use force, that really does work - and not, if you do it wrong. The main reason I wanted to share these thoughts is this: if spanking is not the way, we need something to replace it with. Something that works and something that does minimal harm to our children. Because let´s face the fact: any kind of using force is in some way harmful. The only reason we must use force, is that the alternative is more harmful than refrain from using force.

But before I begin, I need to address some ‘complaints’ I´ve received. Now, don´t worry, the complaints aren´t that bad. In fact, those who have complained have done so to help me improve my posts and I receive them in that fashion; feedback is my chance to better myself, weither the feedback is positive or negative.

One of the things mentioned to me is that my posts are long. Agreed, they are long. Perhaps I just have too much on my mind. I feel it would be wrong of me to just shorten the posts, because if I do, I may miss some important points. Still, I do want my readers to stick with it, so here is my solution: for the future my longer posts will be broken into to smaller pieces and then you can read as much (or as little) as you want. I hope this would do the trick?


Time out - the benefits

And now back to the topic of this post. Most modern day parents have heard about the use of ‘time out’ and it is widely used. There are some very good reasons why:

First of all, the ‘time out’ has a built-in strength most other ways of raising kids doesn´t: it has infinity! This is brilliant! By infinity I simply mean, that no matter (well, almost...) when, where and for what reason you give your kids a time out, the timer can be reset. If the kid has had a 2 minute time out and still doesn´t want to listen, you can give the kid an additional minute and keep expanding the time out till it works. The advantage of this built-in feature is a combination of at least three things:

#a: However the duration of the time out, it can always get worse: you can prolong it.

#b: There is always a way out: your child can decide to end the time out within a short period of time: by listening to you.

#c: The relation between parent and child is intact, provided you keep in touch with your kid during the time out.


Time out - when it´s not helpful

I´ll get deeper into these three advantages in another post, but right now I want to address an important issue: time out does not always work, because there is one thing you need to have when using a time out. One thing you cannot do without: Time!

In some situations we do not have the time for a time out. It can be that the whole family is on its way out or it can be that we are at a family gathering where there is no time, if we want to be good guests (and we do, don´t we?) or it could be that it´s around bed time and if we use a time out now, it´s almost as much a reward as it is a punishment.

If this is the case: there is no time or it´s a bad time; then we must understand that using the time out can be devastating. As a parent, I must win all battles! If I lose a battle I have to start all over again, because the kid has learned, that sometimes you budge, even though you said you wouldn’t.

But if a time out is fitting, it can be a very powerful tool for raising children. The important thing is to keep in touch with your children when using this tool. You can´t leave your kids in a time out and not speak to them for a long duration. You must stay in contact and keep the back door open.

And now the summing up:

#1: Time out is a brilliant tool for raising children. It has a built-in feature of infinity that gives you three advantages as described above

#2: Using a time out you need to stay in touch with your kid to keep the back door open, so that the kid can escape the punishment by listening to you

#3: Because a parent must win all battles, it is imperative to only use time outs, when there is time for it and when the timing and situation calls for it

Your turn - share your experiences - ask questions...

How to spank your wife

- tough love well practiced

Does the title of this post sound awkward to you? Perhaps it even makes you a bit angry? If it does, you´ve already gotten half the point, I want to make in this post. So - lean back in your chair, grab a cup of coffee or whatever beverage you prefer while reading important stuff (if you don´t want to get up yourself and get it, your wife is there for the same reason, isn´t she? - or not...)

Every once in a while, the question of how to discipline your children comes up in public debate and one of the most stunning (at least to me) claims is that if you won´t spank your kids, you´re actually doing them wrong. The argument by promoters of this statement is that without spanking, there´s no discipline. People insisting this to be true, thus see spanking and disciplining children as two sides of the same coin.

I strongly disagree!

To make my point, I´ve used the above title for this post as a imaginary pair of glasses giving a broader perspective. Imagine if someone, in all seriousness, claimed the same argument for marriage - or any other relationship for that matter: that the only way a man can ‘get some respect around here’ is to have a loose wrist and a trigger happy fist.

So, if the wife won´t get you a beer, slap her in the face; If your friend doesn´t want to lend you a hand with something, punch him on the nose; And if your children misbehave, grab one of them by the legs and use the kid as a baseball bat to slap his brothers and sisters around the house - yieehaa! A home run!

Doesn´t sound all that sound now, does it? But for some strange reason, many parents still believe that spanking your child is good for them. It will grant you the respect you deserve and need to discipline them well.

I hate to be the one to point this out (well, not really!) but if there´s one fact of life when it comes to friendship, love and relationships, be that between equals or between people whose distribution of power is unequal, it is this:

Respect comes and goes according to how it is dealt out!

So, if you believe your kids to have respect for you as a result of spanking them, you´re deluding yourself: you are confusing respect for fear - or said more to the point: Your kids do not respect someone, who slaps them around, they fear them! Exactly in the same way as your wife or your friends will fear you for violent behavior...

If you are sitting there, thinking that 'this guy has no clue' maybe you should read my post on Parental Blessings, where I tell about what our children did for my wife and me a couple of days ago. There you will see, that perhaps our methods of raising kids is not all that bad!

Now that we have that one parked, let´s look at what raising your children really means:

First and foremost, raising your children means exactly that. Raising means to lift up, that is: encourage, bringing up the best in them, praising them, enforcing their self esteem and building their self understanding and sense of themselves. In the past, raising children for most parents meant to indoctrinate, more or less, so that they would do what was expected of them, instead of making up their own minds. This only result in adults who cannot make their own decisions, but rely on others to decide for them. Is this what you want of your kids?

Secondly, disciplining is not about brute force. Many parents treat their children as animals to be trained. This view is thinking of children as entities becoming human as they grow up, instead of human beings with less experience. This way of thinking is directly derived from the above statement about the main base of raising children. If you have the first view, you will grant your children favors and rights when they do what you want them to and take these grants away when they do the things you don´t want them to do. While this may sound appealing, the problem is that using this principle, your kids will never learn what is right and wrong, but only what makes mom and dad happy or angry. Is this really what you want?

As a parent, you will need the latter view. Kids aren´t animals needing to learn which behavior they earn goodies by and which behavior makes daddy angry and hit you.

Instead, what they need is to learn from your experience. In the coming days, I will elaborate on how to use discipline in raising children. For now, I just want to point out one final thing:

Thirdly, raising children and disciplining them are two different things! Disciplining are the means you use to get your child’s attention, that is: to use leverage as an adult and a parent ‘opening a door’ to connect with your children, so that you can raise them. Raising, however, is your goal. Raising is what you want; disciplining is one among many tools to achieve that goal.

So, to sum up this post:

As a parent, I want to raise my children in a manner that will better their chances of success in life. This is my goal: success for my children!

Having this goal, I must understand that my children are first and foremost human beings and as such they are every bit as valuable as I, their father. Spanking my children does not comply with this view. If I wouldn´t spank my wife or beat up my friends to get them to obey me, I wouldn´t spank my children for the same reason, unless I view them as lesser beings. I don´t. I view them as equals in terms of value and being human. And therefore I won´t spank them, because it goes against one of my basic values: that children are as valuable as I am.

To achieve my goal: succes for my children, I use various tools in raising them. Disciplining them is one of these tools, but it´s neither the only tool, nor is it the most important one.

And finally, using brute force in disciplining will not achieve the goal: success for my children. It´ll only teach my children to obey me, but they will never learn the benefits of listening to my wisdom, so when they grow up and start a life of their own, my influence is null and void! As soon as I see them leaving their childhood home, I can only help them succeed, if I´ve chosen a better way than brute force.


More about this subject here

Now, it´s your turn.  Do you have experience you want to share?